Large voices.

Oh man, today in the wonderful world of parenting. . .

We are fine, and really we were fine for most of the day, but it was one of those days where I am more aware of my weaknesses as a parent than my strengths

I am more aware of the challenges of having a four year old over the joys of having a four year old.

We are an emotional people- the Doll O'Mahoneys.

I know that I was a senseless crier as a child. I know that I could not stop the  flow of emotion for myself as a kid.  My Junia does the same thing. She has a feeling, a negative or sad or angry feeling. It floods her and she cannot get her shit together.  She is weeping. She is a hot mess.  For things like, "you must eat breakfast before we do anything else this morning..." or "my sister is drinking out of the sippy cup I wanted to drink out of and I didn't tell anyone"  that is the 3rd most devastating thing in the entire universe.  Like her Mama at a similar age She gets so full of her emotion that is has to erupt out of something.  I burst forth in sobs, and stomps, and sadness.  It takes a long time to wane.

From the core of ourselves that remembers childhood I hear her.  I remember my own senseless feeling of being overwhelmed.  I recall the  regular size feeling and then feeling it explode inside of myself and turn into all the sadness's I have ever felt. I remember wanting to stop crying, to stop feeling sad or scared or embarrassed or angry and not being able to will it over.

But as a parent it is so irritating. It is mind blowingly irritating. It makes me want to rip her eyeballs out and chew on them.  Thankfully, it also makes me so sad for her; I hear all the feelings she must be having and I ache for her.  And...I want to hold her too.  I want to pick her up and let her sob until the tide rolls back out and she can feel the joy that is hiding next to the anger.  But of course, when I am  parenting, the feeling of irritation is what sits large and the desire to comfort is what sits quietly.

So that was the day we had.  Large sad/mad feelings and small joy and comforting feelings.  Now, at the end of such a day the large feeling is sadness/guilt over not meeting my little one where she might have needed it, and a small voice that says, there was a lot more about today that just that...


Popular Posts