When grief kicks in.

I had a dream 3 nights ago that I had a baby and then my boss, at the job I was laid off from, took the baby and wouldn't give it back.

That seems like a pretty clear metaphor.

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I had a dream 2 nights ago that there was a child in our neighborhood that was murdered and we knew someone in the neighborhood did it.  We all needed support from one another but we were also all suspicious of one another.

The metaphor is less clear but it seems to me I am under some stress.

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Last week Thomas and I got back from a trip to Boston and I was sick.  If I had a job I would have taken off.  I couldn't get enough sleep.  I felt my resilence sinking lower and lower.  Sunday afternoon Sean encouraged me to take a nap.  I slept for 3 hours.  I work up with a bit of bounce in my step.

Sometimes when I am tired, and believe me folks I am a sleeper, I start to seem depressed.  Also sometimes when I am depressed I get tired.

3 months ago the to-do list was long and invigorating.  Now we live in Indiana.
There is nothing sexy about living in Indiana (though there is plenty of beauty).

And I have almost no friends.
And change is hard.
And making friends is slow.
And I don't miss my old job but I miss the meaning making that accompanied it.

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I am honestly soliciting opinions on what you think I should do with myself for the next couple of years...what gifts do you think I have? What do you think I should do next?  Should I continue to do this- hang out? Reflect? Just be in the liminal space?  Is this the Advent of my life?

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So there it is friends.
There it is.