Engaged Boredom.

There are so few words that I can offer you.

There is something major going on, and yet nothing is going on.

If my life had a title right now it is called, "Engaged Boredom"

My life, but really my spirit, of late, is like the clouds.  Something I cannot capture in my hands or even in my room. It is neither air nor water and also somehow both.  I can’t see through it and yet it isn’t dark and impenetrable and maybe up ahead is...

There are pieces of me that are right and wise. Pieces that have something bold to say and are alive and well. Then there are these harder pieces of ego who feigns wisdom like pieces of glass floating around tissue, hard and unnatural but I can't quiet get my hands on any of this enough to really look at it.

And my dreaming is so vivid and accurate and also, like all dreams, so vague and confusing and fleeting.

I am being told, from all sorts of voices that God’s first language is silence.  It seems to me that is not my first language.

Today I scanned a copule of my journals from when I was a child- 11 and 12 years old even into early adolescence and I was so lonely.  So. So. Lonely. I have story after story of miserable things happening to me. Then in a sentence later I declare love hoping, against all hope, that if I conjure up love and squeeze it tight that the loneliness will drip out of me and I will be left with love. It didn't work.

I didn’t know then I needed time.  That growing up would let me fill myself up with all sorts of other feelings and experiences.  I am not lonely anymore, at least not fundamentally anymore. I have given my heart to enough people to stop from being quite so lonely.  Those beloveds now remind me of myself when I collapse into loneliness.

Some days I feel desperate for a faith sharing community.  One that will sit in silence together, pray together with meaning, discuss, challenge, and love each other richly.  I don’t want to be the most self aware person in the room, or the most “woke” person or whatever. I am tired of those groups.  I don’t begrudge folks for exploring, and in fact, I can really enjoy the conviviality that faith sharing groups can be. But I need mutuality and community and mentorship all rooted in love. Not more ego building.

So here we are. Tapped into everything nothing.

See how this post is like holding a cloud?