The State of things.

As you may know, I have been teaching a confirmation class with 74 (!!!) adolescent (!) young adults.  We prayed for them at mass on Sunday and the old teacher came to process her horrible experience of teaching confirmation.  I didn't realize, at the time, that she had a miserable time and I was telling her about things I have learned and how we play a lot of games and she said, "Oh you must stay at home if you have time for that."

It was cutting and cruel.

Because, it refused to acknowledge that 1. Teaching confirmation to 74(!!) young adults is work.  2. That I might have actual skills beyond having time.

At the same Confirmation there was a volunteer parent helping out while I facilitated the day.  The students were playing "capture the snacks" which, as you might guess is capture the flag except it involves hot cheetos and takis rather than flags.  

The (male) parent volunteer looked at me and said, "so are you done having children?"

I get asked this question regularly.  

In fact, I suspect I am asked, on a weekly bases if I am "done" having children.  

Why did this man, whose name I can barely recall ask me this.

Is he genuinely curious, or is he reminding me that my power means nothing to him.  At the end of the day I am not a minister. I am only a mother.

Each week my religious community prays for vocations.

And most of those prayers are intended for vocations to the celibate priesthood.

I look around that the church and see that there are plenty of vocations.

God has answered again and again and again.  Three fold, seven fold, God is answering.

People are listening to God's call.

Except they aren't doing it in a celibate priesthood way.

But the church, the leadership of the church, is so stuck in its patriarchy it won't allow God's response to be anything but their formula.  Their lens and expecation is narrow.  God is big not small.

Stop making God so small.

I don't think that I am depressed. Not in some clincial way. But I am down.  

I am having a hard time figuring out how I matter.  I feel invisible to anyone but my 3 kids and my spouse.  I have a handful of good friends here, I matter to them.

But in my day to day reality I am unsure of my purpose.

I have tried getting a couple of jobs, the problem is that I believe LGBTQ people deserve spiritual care and support.  I can't even get an interview for a ministry job in Indiana.  I am stonewalled, which is mostly a reflection of the messed up reality of Indiana and Catholicism.  But it hurts.  It hurts bad.

It sometimes helps if I think about the economic savings of taking care of our children.  

Sometimes is helps if it has been awhile since I yelled at them, then I feel like a decent parent.

These questions are big.  

My sense of invisibility is not just today's question, it is, in a way, my life's question.  I have always felt  invisible, and so my life here opens up this deeper wound.

So there it is.  

A child lays on the floor beside me, not wanting to be consoled.

My daughters drink tea downstairs humming along in their made up land.

I don't know where I sit.

Somewhere between those two poles.