If we are on the Oregon trail then we are only at Independence, MO

I didn't really have playmates as child. I had siblings and sometimes cousins.  I have rare fleeting memories of having a friend come over.  But since I didn't grow up in a town, but "out in the country" there were no kids within walking or biking distance.

This is what I tell myself when I get scared of my kids' lack of socialization for the next year.

Though, the other half of that story is that I DID go to school.

I don't think I am in the throws of Post-Partum depression in a clinical way. I don't think my hormones are off kilter, BUT this is hard and much darker than other postpartum times.  Being awake in the middle of the night a lot while reading the news is hard right now, because the news is about my life: school reopening, virus counts surging, feds mismanaging resources and impacting responses etc etc.

I have read a couple of books, but it's hard to read a book when you are sleepy. Something provoking and hyped (like the news) has a lot more energy response from me.   So when I am up in the night I watch episodes of the office while I feed the baby. That way Michael Scott is the one that hypes me up.

Anyway, my anxiety bounces high up and if I stay away (I'm already off facebook mostly) my anxiety comes down and I tend to land in pits of sadness.

Sometimes I feel the sadness sink into me, like deep into my skeleton.

Othertimes it seems to come from outside of me.  Washing over me like a wave.

I want to hide in a shell.

It is such a mixed source. The world, my kids, myself, all the loss of what the next 2 years will be.

In the midst of all of this there is still laundry to wash, dry, fold.

Food to prepare.

A publication to work on.

and in upcoming weeks elearning to supervise.

Sean and I talked last night about creating some sort of vision for the next 2 years or so.

Talked about trying to focus our family goals/values.  Prioritizing lack of anxiety, intimacy, and nature---maybe those maybe others. that way we can look at our days, and weeks and see if we have done those things.  Any of those things.  If we can do those then we can at least feel like we are doing something well.

I am both tired and packing it in for the long haul.

If this is Oregon Trail we are only at Independence.

xo.

Oh, also, Esther started smiling.