Covid 1 year old

We have made it 366 days since Covid-19 was declared a pandemic.

It seems like something I should mark.

I am inclined to make a list of all the things this year has taught me, all the things that will be remembered, and the things that might be forgotten if they are not blessed into to written form.

But I can't.

Because we are still in it.

Because my resilience for caretaking my children, and doing the dishes, and even going on walks and expressing awe more than annoyance is low.

I am tired.

Not sleepy.

Tired. 

Like if I laid down right now I might not fall asleep.

But my body- aches.

My lower back hurts from carrying the weight of motherhood, and racism, and healthcare, and pandemic and all the meals on my back.

My jaw is clenched because that is where I hold myself.  Where I get to be me. Right here in my mouth.  That's me carrying my own stress. My own fears. My own identity.

There are flowers blooming outside.

The crocus flowers.

And I think we have made it through the worst of the winter.

But I cannot get myself to care.

I don't think I am depressed.

Even though that sounds like clinical depression.

Again. I am tired.

I am tired of washing diapers.

Tired of cleaning up throw-up.

Tired of all the meals.

Tired of all the giving.

No that's not it.

Let me turn that around.

I am tired of not having any existence outside of this house.

I am tired that I have no identity outside of mother.

I feel invisible.

And when you feel invisible you start to believe you are invisible.

I do all sorts of things.

I podcast.

I am a spiritual director.

I am in the midst of ministry discernment.

I am accompanying a group of ministers in spiritual direction as they sort their own racist viewpoints.

I am reading for my own self improvement.

I am writing 1/2 of a book.

But nobody sees it.

Or a couple of people see it.

Mostly, I don't see it.

Honestly, I barely see that I am doing anything.

I am mostly an exhausted mother who bakes all the time.

And I guess that is covid19 for you.

Exhaustion. On so many levels: physical, spiritual, phsychological.

Here we are.

xo.