Anxiety. In my head, and I think that's okay.

Do you ever get stuck in your head?
Or maybe your heart?

What part of the body is anxiety associated with?

The last month has been anxiety provoking to say the least.  Nothing throws up anxiety like childcare concerns.  Then nothing keeps it going like continued vigilance to make sure the new childcare arrangements are working and everyone is happy...oh and that the car seats are arranged appropriately...and food is packed...and everyone has an extra set of clothes...

And to top it off the chaos of childcare of course caused some chaos in my work.  What was feeling like an amazing stride of work related joy has turned quickly into an amazing hump of work related anxiety.  On top of missing some days and trying to work from home their are some totally new events in the works, there are things I am afraid of on the horizon, and I am in over my head a bit in my knowledge base on several fronts. Perhaps another person would call it humility but I am just anxious.

I have said stupid things to people I care about this week; I have been forgetful and have suffered the consequences of my forgetfulness. I have not been sleeping well.

I have not; all in all, felt like my best self.
And there might not be anything I can do about that.

I don't intend to solve all of this anxiety. Some of it I have to sit with.  I got into an elevator the other day (by myself) and said, "Grrr Rachel you are such a dumb ass." and then immediately said, "No that's not are okay you are just human."

But the mantra of self acceptance is hard, and swimming with the current of anxiety as I get carried downstream and slowly make my way to the other side is actually harder than 3 glasses of white wine and a Tylenol PM.  But it's more real.  And this, is where I am and who I am.  -Today.


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