The endless change

What kinds of shifts we are enduring this year.  I have to remind myself that whatever is going on internally, in my heart/soul/mind (they are all the same really) is all impacted by the terrific amount of change my life is full of.

Identity shifts from a full time worker to a full time parent is brutal.  I literally spend most of my days with a person who tells me he "hates me" on a regular basis.  Yes, yes, "talk about feeling with him..." yes, yes, "this is a stage". . . but listen to ME it sucks.  It doesn't even matter so much that part of me wants this and has wanted this.  It is still hard.

Exacerbated by the move.

WE go from a community of 10 years and several jobs to a place where I can count the number of friends on one hand: Leah, Liz, Tracey, (maybe Kristen).  The number of acquaintances is slowly climbing but it's a short list, and who of these people are potential friends or are people willing to withstand the complexity needed to be my friend (I don't mean to be elitist, I mean to say I am picky about what kinds of stuff I want to talk about).

Oh my God, today is spring and we might get 2" of snow tomorrow.  I cannot stand it.  I am freaking out in my core.  Seattle was no dream, don't get me wrong, but the earth turned green at least.  Things flowered . . .I am now Mary and Martha waiting for Jesus to come and save Lazarus, but I now my ol' brother Laz has died and I'm sad, pissed, and doubting it all.

We have had friends visit this winter who saw me and who didn't.  Both of those broke my heart, a true friend seeing how lonely I am and how hard my days are in their utter mundane reality and another friends who told me about myself.

All the changes- the moving, the job shift- so much of it happened in traumatic ways.  Getting laid off is brutal.  Sure, I didn't get fired. and sure I was feeling restless for new things, BUT IT SUCKS.  Since then too, there is a wierd stickiness about being laid off.  Some folks clearly think it is my fault.

And the move, was very much part of a financial decision.  Finances matter, and we are breathing a bit easier than before. Our anxiety is not wild from month to month, but finances are not a freedom space for most of us.

I could get a job. I could get more hobbies, I could create some goals, I could do more "jobs around the house." Except the mundane is still the mundane when you are where I am.  Weather it's laundry or a pottery class or a job it is all still a terrible act of juggling and the having not yet made meaning or wisdom from this...