Am I growing up?

 I have this desperate longing to have all the things I write be known in the world. All the poems I write to Mary Oliver...all the Blessings I write each evening as a way to get through my days.  I have essays hidden away in my brain about birth control and sex, about parenting and monasticism, about exploring my cultural background...or whatever the thing is that I am passionate about this week.

One of the skills I have been working on in the past year has been developing skills at being more appropriate with sharing.  This is mostly around spiritual direction and pastoral care---basically developing a better sense of when to share my own story and opinions.  I have done better at doing this online in the last couple of years too (not so much here) but on social media I am trying to be careful about knowing why I put something online- being self aware enough to know what kind of response I am looking for- "Why"  I am putting it there.

But, anyway, I am realizing more and more that this desire to have people read the things I write and connect with my social media or whatever is because of my poverty not my riches.  Or rather, because of my unhealthy self not my healthy self.

I long to be known.

I think a lot of my childhood people were rolling their eyes at my emotional needs.  "Oh that's just Rachel." I developed a rich and complex imaginary world where imaginary people knew me and loved me and I lived in these worlds.  I was beloved in these imaginary worlds.  Those places were so important for me.

As an adult, I don't do that anymore, but I still create world (social media) where I long to be loved and known.

Do we all long for this?

I think so, in some way.

But I am realizing more and more that there just IS an existential loneliness in being human. And there just IS going to be a part of me that has unmet needs. And that I don't have to produce something or write something, or make something, or create something to be of value.  That I can write beautiful things amazing things and I can not share them with anyone.

Or I can.

but I don't have to for them to be valuable as they are.

Thoughts dear readers?