My kids will be perfectly messed up if I just take a deep breath and be present.

At my very best I know I am a good enough parent. I know that we are doing our very best to raise decent kids who know what kindness is, know about justice, know about love, know stories of those who are vastly different from them. And yet, one of my mantras has been that we will fuck up our kids.= Which I believe. Of course we will. Everyone does. Nobody is doing this perfectly. But I am realizing this mantra didn't emerge from my best self. It emerged from my defensiveness. From those who are critical that we are trying hard to be intentional and thoughtful about parenting. And truth be told there have been a lot of people close to us who have rolled their eyes at our way of parenting and it hurt(s). As if parenting isn't hard enough. This mantra also It emerged as a way to resist the public voice and bullshit that makes statements and posts blog posts and platitudes about parenting about how dreamy it is, how we should be present to it all, about how we should all be calm all the damn time, or respond in perfect emotional connection all the fucking time. Honesly though I am weighted down by my own defenses of "I will fuck them up" ---too grumpy and hopeless. It isn't serving me anymore to go back to that. I know we will mess them up- but we also might launch them into a world where they have some gifts. We might raise children who are empathetic, thoughful, compassionate, smart, hard working or whatever... and I am weighed down by the parenting bullshit of, "when you scold your children you are really scolding your inner child" or "just take a deep breath and let your heart connect with theirs.." which is too platidudinal and I cannot handle the idea of some perfected parenting. I am exhausted...so so so exhausted by parents who throw perfection out there. Those Parents who show themselves as having it all together. Parents who are never raw. Who pretend to have done all their healing or maybe even more those who pretend they never had any to do in the first place. Parents whose trauma doesn't impact their children at all. I live in real life. My kids are going to experience me as loving, and angry, and frustrated, and silly, and annoyed, and goofy, and a thousand other things. I am a mixed bag- because I am a fucking real person. I get mad at my kids when the first words they say to me is, "what are you making me for breakfast." Maybe that is a trauma response or a desire for my own dignity or whatever. But there isn't a place in the world where I am not gonna have SOME kind of reaction to that...Cuz damnit I am your mama not your servant (and BTW don't treat servants that way either!) I am trying to heal from my wounds and trying to heal wounds that I carry from generations of trauma- but that is messy. That is so so messy. Oh, and also there is a pandemic. And also my children are always with me. And also there are 1000 stressors in life all the time and this year there are tenthousand and my kids are growing up loved. And known. And more often than not I respond to them with a listening ear even if that is sometimes complicated or no the most perfect response. So yes I am going to fuck them up. But maybe I should say, "My children aren't going to be perfect." And yes, sometimes I should take a deep breath and enjoy the good moment. But maybe I should say, "This moment isn't perfect but it aint bad either." And also, for those of you who wonder... My kids are fucking awesome they probably aren't better than yours and aren't being parented better than yours- but their mine and I like them more than yours. (and also they irritate me more than yours).