Fears fallen off a shelf
I choose this picture because everything on the shelf seems kind of precarious. . .
It seems like I have spent the last couple of weeks putting my fears on a shelf. Fears about labor -shelved. Fears about paying for daycare- shelved. Fears about finances- shelved. Fears about hating my child- shelved. Fears about doing something to mess it up-shelved. Fears about our marriage-shelved. Fears about employment- shelved. Fears about being too isolated- shelved.
This list could go on and on. But by shelving some of these thing and mandating some perspective (because none of these fears have urgency)I have been able to take them down one by one hold the fear, dwell on it and maybe relax into it- rather than holding them all at once.
Last night though we had dinner at a friends house. They are significantly older than Sean and I. They also already have a kid. As I off the shelves a couple of these fears and shared them I didn't find solidarity or mutual vulnerability in sharing. Rather I just ended up being talked at. Frankly, being talked at rather than listened to isn't soothing for me. Even if people offer me sound advice- I hate advice. Advice for me has to come in the form of shared stories. . . It wasn't.
I left more scared, shook up, and with more things fallen of their shelves than I have been for a couple weeks. So much for that.
When I found out that Anne and I were pregnant, I had instant, petrifying fear. I had absolute joy too. but the part that I was struck by was this fear of failure. Even though I had a child who was well adjusted and a relatively good kid...all I could remember was being a father at 20 years old and resenting that fact. So here I was 34 years old and find out that I'm going to be a dad again and I feel fear....absolute fear. The question was fear of what? Well, fear of the usual things, will I screw this kid up? Will I hold him right? Will I work too much or too little? will he be proud of me? will I be proud of him....Fear...It sucked. Granted, when he was born I felt a whole different type of FEAR. Kids...I swear.
ReplyDeleteI feel the fears, too--and I'm sorry if you feel like I've talked at you instead of listening (especially because I'm being talked at by some people and don't like it much, either).
ReplyDeleteThis whole thing is so scary and isolating sometimes.