Gender, construct and what is inside!

Next Friday we are going to have an ultrasound. It will be our second, but this time our fetus is less likely to look like a turtle and more like a person. At least as much as ultrasounds make fetus' look like people.

I respect people who wait until the baby is born to learn the gender of their child. Mostly I respect their patience and their ability to let other people have more detailed knowledge of what is going on in them then they do. Frankly, I want to know the gender of this baby and I want to know before next Friday...


But wait. Even as I read this my imagination is shifting. I wonder if having a boy would mean that I would embolden the colors I imagine for the furniture we've acquired. After all, we are planning on going with orange, light blue, navy blue and tan and we are going with a bird motife. . But if it were a boy would I emphasize the blue more than the orange- would our birds look more like they were in flight?? If it were a girl would I choose a light orange and would we choose cute bird decals? And I tell myself: But wait again: colors are not gendered. People are gendered and we impose color "rules" on gender. This is true with bird decals of course too.

So why am I buying in? Because I am conditioned to do so. Because everyone around me is. Because differences are sometimes more clearly defined than similarities. . .

One of the reasons, and this is a very silly reason, that I want a girl is that I find it weird to imagine a penis growing inside of me. But wait. Why is that so strange? Why have I, as a woman, decided that male genitalia is weirder than female? And why am I fixated on that part of a baby's development. Why am I not wierded out by the fact that through layers of muscle, fat, and skin the baby can hear my voice- and when it is born it will not be able to lift it's head or know when it defecates- but it will know the sound of my voice. That is more bizarre than pure development.

I am reflecting a weakness of my social construct: I am reflecting an emphasis and fear of sexuality, and I am imposing it on a non sexually developed person.

These are my thoughts on gender, construct and my own response to everything that is happening within me.