The hard stuff.

Is this the biggest dip in the move?  Is this low point as low as it will go?

Some parts of all of this have been good, and rich. Those are easy to access.  The kids have had lots of time to swim.  I have had an awkward time exploring my hometown, but awesomely discovered good coffee.  To be honest it has been hard.  Joy is not an easy emotion for my family.  Deep and true Joy is vulnerable and hard to come by.  I am not sure that my Mom enjoys us being here.  She probably does, somewhere in her heart.  The louder part of her won't say it.  She won't embrace that to encounter the joy of our family you also have to embrace the chaos.  You cannot have one without the other.  It's not a new struggle.  It sometimes leaves me feeling unloved.

The kids are sticky with sunscreen and the dog is stinky from laying around in a shallow paddling pool and I am kind of desperate for another thunderstorm tonight.

I am dreading the future Indianapolis school bus drop off because we are going to have to drive from a hotel in the suburbs to our future neighborhood to have the kids meet the school bus.  Also it all has to happen before 7:45am and also has to happen with a very fussy 2 year old in tow. Is it October yet?

We have had some very very hot and humid days.  But mostly we have been just fine.  We have been outside plenty and the weather here changes a lot.  Today's high 102 tomorrow's high 84...that's pretty different.  My biggest anxiety about moving back to the midwest was the weather.  Seriously moving from the dreamy summers of the northwest to this is hard.  And, it's also ok.

I miss my Dad when I am here.  He asked us questions.  They weren't mostly profound questions but he would have at least asked me about my dreams or how I'm feeling about being laid off.  He would have talked with us about buying a house and what we are excited for.  But in this move pretty much no one is talking to us about any of this.  It's like nobody wants to really know us.  Maybe I am not really wanting to know anyone else.  Maybe I am floating on a cloud of selfishness.  I don't think so though.  Perhaps a cloud of invisibility.

And also, I don't know anyone in Indianapolis.  There is also kind of a dream job opening there but when we were discerning this move it seemed very clear that while our littles were little it made sense for one of us to be at home. It does.  And, that is what we want, but golly it's complicated.  My identity as a minister has been flushed down the toilet and it's tempting to pick it up again even if it isn't what my healthiest self thinks I should do...


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