Still.

My view these days.

I keep sitting down in front of this computer and approaching this rectangular white space of the blog preparing myself to say something profound.

I keep waiting for the words where I can connect some sort of meaning to this state of being 39.6 weeks pregnant with my third child.  You might have read the posts leading up to this, or perhaps you are a facebook friend.  In those posts you can sense a increasing whinyness.  It starts with a profound hoping that this baby comes early and then slowly I am creeping into more and more despondency.

This is a big baby; and I am uncomfortable.  I am sick of my maternity clothes and sick of my lack of agility.  I am sick of cleaning the house thinking, "this is nesting" and sick of feeling Braxton-Hicks contractions turn into nothing.  More than anything I am sick of the world's commentary on my state of being.  Women who look, touch, talk to, and mostly women who share their own issues with their children on me.  Something about pregnant women makes other women feel as though they are on a therapists couch.  We were planning on going to church this morning and Sean said, "if you don't think you can hack all the commentary we don't have to go." I rolled over in bed and kissed him.  So so so grateful to not have to do the bullshit.  Sean was also noting that as a pretty high introvert that kind of conversation is particularly deadening to me...I think he is right. There is something excedingly painful about personal conversations that lack meaning.

Okay, so there is the paragraph about all the things I am so, totally, completely, terribly over.  It is all vomited out in one large handful.

On the meaning-making side of things I think it might be time to let go of making waiting magical.  Yes, it is a state of being a Christian (waiting for the return), and yes there is something probably profound about waiting, letting go of control, and just being open to the timeline that opens itself.  Sure.  But often, in the spirituality of waiting the question is, "how should I prepare?"  More than any of the other two kids I (and we) are prepared to welcome this new person.  I don't mean in terms of diapers, and blankets, I mean in terms of knowing that he will change and shape our family in ways that we cannot control. We are prepared to give that to him. To welcome and to parent him and his sisters as they unfold into the sibling relationships that will be theirs.  We are ready.

Does she look ready or what?

Finally, I should just be honest, that this child still does not have a name!  He has pieces of a name. . . Probably.  But his full name is still not ready for him. As with Junia Isaac and with Miriam Zita we trust that it will emerge.  Just as he does. In his own time (unless he doesn't emerge by Friday and then we are removing him!).