And now it is Easter week...which means that last week was Holy Week. Which means that I have made it on the other side of what is always a crazy time of year for me, and was made only crazier by having a 10 week old along for the journey.
Grace doesn't feel at all like what I want it to feel like. I want it to feel like peace, like bliss. I want it to feel like the quiet moments when you are falling in love.
But in my life it is more like a resignation to allow myself to be loved.
It is the humble realization that my voice isn't the only voice.
It is the invitation to deeper change. (uggghhh)
For some reason this morning was brutal. Perhaps it is the I am very very tired. Perhaps it is that I either have hives or got attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes (who got into my clothing). But really there is no singular reason for a rough morning. A rough day and a foul mood are a whole recipe with many different ingredients.
So this morning when Junia and I played "Guess Who" and three times in a row didn't do it right while Thomas cried the entire time and for whatever reason I just couldn't hack it. i just felt to totally, thoroughly, completely overwhelmed. A handful of other things happened- none of which are significant in themselves...but today is rough.
And in the midst of this rough day I am having a graced moment. Thomas is managing to sleep, Miriam is sleeping and Junia is at school and so as I sneaked in a shower i just kept telling myself,
"I am a badass, I am a badass."
"I am good. I am good."
THis is the grace. This is the opportunity to give voice to who I am created to be: Beloved of God.
Her mantra (God's) isn't that I am inadequate, that I am screwing my children up, or that I have to simmer down even...I believe that it is more positive, "I am good, I am badass, I am beloved as daughter AND as mother."
Since it is April here is a VERY relevant poem