Miriam is 5

Today is Miriam's 5th birthday.
5 years ago, at this exact hour I was laboring with her.

Today is also the birthday of my dear friend Patti who died in October.  She was always the first one to wish Miriam a happy birthday.    You would think that might be clouding the reality of this day.  But bigger clouds are around.  Miriam, poor Miriam, was admitted to Seattle Children's Hospital yesterday.  She is sick. Acutely temporarily (probably) sick.  We are at the point of ruling out worst case scenarios.

It breaks my heart that she is here on her birthday. I can't even say it outloud without bursting into tears.  That my girl would be so sick on her day is a cruel twist of fate (ironically my aforementioned friend Patti wished Miriam happy birthday last year from a cancer care unit so there's that)

Sean and I had planned on being on vacation/retreat/conference this weekend in New Mexico.  Sean left early yesterday morning to attend pre-conference meetings.  Today we decided to call him home.  I am too tired to do this if the worst case scenario becomes our new reality.

The grief of losing a much needed vacation is serious.  It makes me weep.  After being laid off, after this horrible cloudy winter, after the season of sadness that has been this year I NEED retreat. I NEED to sit by a pool and be in the quiet of life.    We are going to have to figure out how to do that.

So here we are.  Watching Spongebob, urging Miriam to drink fluids, and sitting in the "hurry up and wait" of hospitals.