Grieving the past is freedom to live in the present

When Junia was born we didn't have ANY friends in Seattle who had children.  In fact, we hardly had any friends at all.  But our very first friends with kids who also shared a nanny with us and then became a nanny for us are moving to Denver.

I got the email on Monday afternoon.
I felt my heart sink into my legs.
And while walking to the bus I cried.

It's not like we see these friends that often- we don't have a ton of natural overlap.  But still. We love them. And they are leaving.

But after my walk to the bus, I started sorting through my feelings and realized that what is going in is grief about moving.

I firmly believe that every wonderful thing also leaves behind it grief- and that to really really celebrate something and to really be alive in something one must also hold the tension of grief (however small).  I don't want to move back to our old house.  But still it is in me; I can smell it; I can feel the creaky stairs under my feet, and on these hot days my skin has in it's memories what our bedroom would feel like  I miss our garden terribly and I want to be able to come and go to and from work with ease.

There is loss in the simple reality that something has passed.  There was a time in our lives that we will never return to.

So now, that hard challenge of facing that,  Of facing, in a small,way mortality, is before us.  And the invitation to let that be the reminder and the motivation to live (as fully alive as possible) in this present moment.

Whether we leave behind a house or newborn-ness- whatever we leave behind I don't deny that there is some sadness.  I believe that owning that allows for the freedom to be in the happiness as well.


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