How ironic that my last post was about changing my expectation and today, what I want more than almost anything is to be left alone for awhile.  Seriously turn off the radio. Stop screaming. Be done with the whining. Everyone  shut the fuck up.  Please.

Miriam ripps a necklace from it's place and broke it. Junia spills milk all over the table and floor not during a meal, not during a time when we were supposed to be consuming food at all.  The couch is covered with pen marks- who did it? I don't know.  Sean's ipod is sticky, gross, and probably ruined- I don't really care as I have never used it and it's over 10 years old but it is a classic picture of what life is like right now.

It has been a very very rainy weekend here so going outside has been nearly impossible.  That is hard, we've been a bit trapped. It's not as rainy today, just damp and wet, but we should venture outside.  In fact, Sean is with them on a walk right now because I was going CRAZY!  (He really is so generous to me.)

I do believe that my vocation is to parenthood (and ministry and partnership) but that doesn't mean that I sometimes don't dream of being single again. I have a rich fantasy life full of dreams about things being exactly I you left them.   Where I  can lay down on a bed of sheets and pillows that are mine, and little socks, toys, hair brushes and books are not scattered about.   I long for the day when my shoes are not littered about the house! It's selfish I know.  I am asking these little people to behave like bigger people.  And I can't do that.
Maybe I should just join them. I'll just trash the house, throw food on the floor, break all their shit and let someone else come pick up.

 Except the truth is I like it when our house is picked up.
I like it when my stuff isn't broken and I know where it is.
I like myself better when I am calm and maintained.
I really like life more when I am getting enough sleep.

So the fact is I can't be single. I tried it for 8 days this summer and I missed my people. I am a Mama and Partner.  I am not resigned to be these things, I love this.  But it is complicated and messy.  It brings out my best self and my worst self.  I am powerfully loving, passionate and playful.  Sometimes I'm a raging bitchy lunatic.  I know my people still love me in it.  I just gotta find a way to love myself in it.


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