Vulnerability and Childcare.

I'm feeling our vulnerability all around me right now.  In part it's because Sean's out of town for the night and nothing makes me feel quite a vulnerable as single parenting.  Maybe it's because I have been awake for 20 hours which is about 7 more hours than I prefer and 4 more hours than I function well on.

But the real reason I feel vulnerable is that we have a starting date with a new childcare provider. Next Monday.  This Friday she is going to have some morning time with Thomas while I have some time with Miriam.  I am excited about this new person, but whatever excitement I feel is covered by the overcast of how bad this past year has been.  In the past 400 days we have had 3 different childcare providers (and 90 of those days I was on maternity leave!).  1 person insulted me, told me I was a bad parent, and was not informing us of the places she took our children.  1 person was using drugs. 1 person made trust impossibly difficult (see the previous post).

So what next? We did our due diligence with each of those people.  We learned things along the way.  But what we learned in the hardest way is that our kids are only so safe...ever.  And that is a scary reminder.  I don't want to leave my littles with anyone.  I also don't want to be at home all the time. . .so yes vulnerable.  That this new childcare provider could rip apart an unhealed and tender wound. Or could give us some time to heal wounds.

In the midst of my writing about the accident and thinking about it I am constantly aware of my nephew.  He is a sick little guy. I wonder what kind of vulnerability his parents wander the world with.  I wonder how they cope.  When they take deep breaths...if they can.

And so we go on, our vulnerability always just a moment away No guarantees but planning and hoping for the best.