My own baggage.

So the previous post my typical Nytimes article posting is part of the reason I have been afraid of parenthood. Perhaps I shared in some of my previous posts on marriage but for whatever reason I have divorce anxiety.

I, like others of my generation, have inherited a fear of divorce. On a daily basis this is not a genuine concern but when I ponder the big picture I get overwhelmed by it all. Neither Sean nor I have divorced parents and from what we can tell (though all marriages have their own language) they seem(ed) to be pretty healthy. As all people do, we will make some different and similar choices.

But what will this baby do to us?

After all, when I am under stress I get very mean. When Sean is under stress he gets distracted. These aren't very compatible (what's compatible with mean I don't know). I think that at moments I will treat this person like an animal- with distant fascination. At other moments Sean will be afraid to touch her for fear she'll break- again our weaknesses not being very compatible (do you think this is true Sean?).

Part of this really is not about me telling you why this won't work. After all, my best self isn't that worried (at least today). The reality is that we will figure it out, that parenthood will change us in our strengths and our weaknesses. And that what needs to be REALLY dealt with is not our issues but my anxiety.

We are actually planning on taking a parenting class this summer. Not about how to change diapers and put a thermometer up a butt- rather, a class on relationships and parenthood. That seems to be the best place, at this point to work on this stuff.