A pat on the back...Talking to children about death

Sean and I went to a conference for work (though together) on children's explanation and understanding of death and their parents explanations   All I have to say is, Yikes a lot of people make a lot of kids do a lot of  figuring out.

It seems like kids are pretty confused about the whole thing...things like
 death means -"Mildred went to sleep for a long long time..."
Death means- "Mildred is in a happy place"
Death means- "God took Mildred."
Death is "Something that will never happen to parents."
Death is "Something that won't happen to parents for a long long time."
And moreover- death is something for children to not have to deal with.

Except that in real life kids will have to deal with death.  Maybe not for a long time.  But they WILL have to deal with it.  And don't many of us want our kids to be prepared for what life has in store.  But so many common explainations of death don't leave kids dealing with is in a healthy way...look at those common responses again....


Death means -"Mildred went to sleep for a long long time..."
Death means- "Mildred is in a happy place"
Death means- "God took Mildred."
Death is "Something that will never happen to parents."
Death is "Something that won't happen to parents for a long long time."
And moreover- death is something for children to not have to deal with.


So kids become scared of sleeping, or they don't understand how someone can just chose to go to a happy place, or that God is a big jerk who kills people to hang out with them, or that it's something they don't have to deal with but wait- what happens if they do have to deal with a dead parent?!

So how do we deal with death as parents?  The first thing that I think helps is knowing what you think about death. Do you believe in life after death? Do you believe in heaven? Do you believe that God takes people or that God receives people.  Do you believe is a purely biological end?  If we wait  until we are dealing with grief around our explaination is not going to be too cohesive (though some explaination seems better than none even if it is a bit confused).

I think that we talk about death well in our house because my Dad died in 2004.  It hit me really hard, my life fell apart and then I slowly put it back together (with the help of many!).  But I know what I think about death.  I believe that PawPaw and God are with us all the time. I believe that PawPaw's goodness and God's goodness are all wrapped up together. I don't believe that God took PawPaw but I do believe that when PawPaw's body was done God received all the gifts and all the spirit of my Dad and now they are intertwined in a way that is only revealed after death.

I don't really believe in heaven- if heaven is somewhere else and distant. . . but if heaven is being with God in our death I guess I do.

But you see, I can talk about that to a three year old.  And even though it might be theologically complicated.  And even though a lot more of her questions are about what happened and where he died and what he was wearing and when I will die and all of that- I have answers for her that are simple fact and answers that help her to make meaning of death and the ways that those who have died are still alive for us.

And the coolest thing of all is not that my girl knows about death.  It's that she really has a relationship with my Dad. She has an image of what he was like and what kind of things he did and clothes that he wore.  And, she believes that he is with her- when she is sad, "and when she is happy too."  And that for me, is the afterlife.