Fearful Baby!
I have been trying to focus my thoughts for several days. But instead of trying to write a thematic blog I'm just going to type and let my fingers go. . .
I cried my way into work this morning. Listening to the commentary of the inauguration on the radio. It am so moved by the inauguration. I am so hopeful!
But then I come home from work and I remember that I am pregnant. It seems to be something I am mostly unaware of at work and then I come home and I am VERY aware of it. My mother-in-law got us a book full of birth stories- We got it on Friday and I am already halfway through.
But I am getting overwhelmed by the possibility of birth. I am pretty terrified of it as is. But I am a Midwesterner. Which means that I grew up in an epidural loving world, and a world of women telling birth stories in a pretty filtered fashion. But part of my feminist self is really conflicted about hospital birth and the medicalization of the birth process. I also want to be in solidarity with women throughout the world. . . But is that realistic?
I don't even have a community of friends here in Seattle- how is solidarity really going to sustain a labor? I know some acquaintances but none of them have children. And I don't live in a culture that celebrates or does childbirth ritual. We don't smear turmeric on pregnant bellies- we don't ask women and their new infants to spend the first 9 days in their home we don't wait to making sure the spirits don't steal them and we don't whisper prayers in their ears so that the name of God is the first thing they here. them. We don't give birth surrounded by other women who will help us and guide us as we raise these children let alone women who will help us in the healing pains, breast feeding, and jr's first fever. We are viewed and prodded in the same fashion as when we are ill- and then in an impersonal community of caregivers we make ourselves vulnerable and become the powerful women that the ancient world saw as sacred- but in a world we ensure is sterile.
So I don't know what kind of image I am coming to with this pregnancy thing. I don't know what my dreams are for the labor and delivery. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling so scared that I will stop having fearful meltdowns in my beloved's arms. I don't know if I will ever stop resenting the way the little turtle is taking over my diet, body, bowels, and in particular my uterus. I don't know what I want in any of this.
Behold I am a woman of mixed thought and feeling. Behold I am pregnant with more than a person but with thoughts spinning through my mind. I have nothing more.
My childhood friend had a baby in December, and they had to deliver him via c-section. First she wanted a home birth, but there were some risks with her health that made her decide to have a natural birth in a hospital with her ob-gyn. Needless to say, having already compromised her real wishes, she was pretty upset.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, there's no harm in asking your ob-gyn about birthing centers in your area. Scout them out, and you will find women working there who will guide you through a more holistic pregnancy and (health willing) birth. If your ob-gyn is cool, he or she will work with your wishes/hopes/fears as best as medicine and the hippocratic oath will allow.
I hope you are ready for another book. Once we have money again, there is something headed your way!
I know exactly how you feel. I mean, I live only an hour away from my parents, but my community isn't one that's terribly close and my fellow PhD students are all older and even if they have kids, they're not exactly going to want to participate in 'play dates' with a young mom and her newborn.
ReplyDeleteBut then I realized that I DO have a community that will answer questions about baby illnesses, stand by and support us and maybe even occasionally offer to baby-sit (maybe): our church. Our church is mainly older couples and families with kids that are older than ours, but all have expressed excitement for us. That's one of the reasons for infant baptism in some of the churches--to show support for young families and help raise the child in a faith-based community. Do you and Sean have a church where you feel like you find support and 'pseudo family'? I dunno. I'm just hoping the church is a place where we'll find connection to others.
I had originally thought about getting an epidural, but my mom said neither of her labors were that bad--and so now I don't think I will. Although the midwest really does seem the land of the epidural, I am seeing a change in things (one of the hospitals around us even offers different types of birthing coaches and types of birthing).
Oh, Rachel! My deepest wish is that I could be close to you right now and offer some real promises of help and support through your pregnancy and the infanthood of this baby! But here I am, and there you are, so I feel like my capacity to help in a meaningful way is limited.
ReplyDeleteOf course it is totally natural to be nervous and fearful. I think all women experience that, especially with their first babies. I think the thing that was most helpful to me with Zosia was to 1)stop listening to other women's birth stories. While some women have extremely joyful stories to share, the vast majority of women who want to talk about their birth stories had traumatic experiences (sort of the catharsis thing), and while these women need to be heard, they really don't represent the norm, nor do they need to be talking to fearful pregnant women.
2) Spend a few moments each day in meditation/ centering prayer, focusing on God's presence in this new life and in your own amazing body.
3) Find a good birth class, like Bradley Method, Hypnobirthing, Lamaze, whatever. This is so great in both assuaging your fears and also finding a community of other expectant parents. And a good class will support you regardless of what your decisions are about the type of birth that you want-- whether you decide you want a natural birth or epidural.
Also, I totally know how you feel about lacking a network of support. Pretty much the first year of Zosia's life was spent in a place where we had no maternal support system (no mentors, no other moms, etc), and while it's nice to have that, you will be just fine. You have an unbelievable supportive husband, a network of family members that love you and have tons of baby experience, and will find a web of support strong enough to sustain you-- whether through moms groups, new friends, family, whatever.
XOXOXO