Today I made 30 thank you notes. Why this feels like a huge accomplishment. .. Read on.
I have passed into a new level of pregnancy. Helplessness. Last week, on my travels I realized that moving and hauling my suitcase around caused me more pain than asking help from someone else. My body just isn't doing what it once could. Though pregnancy is certianly an experience of being physically fit (after all my body is doing a ton of work) however, it's also an experience of being humbled by what it cannot do.
I am experiencing a tremendous amount of round ligament pain. It's not super uncommon but I am having it all the time. Basically it feels like someone stabbing me at the base of my uterus. It's awful and happens all the time- when I walk, when I sit up, when I scoot. Again, I say all the time. I am wearing a belt for support and am trying some stretches but the reality is that the cure is childbirth. It gets worse if I lift too much, or uncarefully, if I stretch tall, or basically if I overdo it. Even if I walk or stand too much it gets worse- and worse is debilitating.
So why am I posting about this? The fact of the matter is that I don't want to spend my summer trying not to overdo it. I don't want to spend my summer taking it easy on the couch or being a lazy bum. Watching TV makes me feel gross. I want to move books, hoe the garden, take Maggie on long walks, take the bus to Capital Hill and hang out on and on and on. The reality is though, that this pregnancy doesn't allow for a ton of that. Tuesday I had a day where I just felt down about all the things I can't do. I was feeling useless, bored, self loathing etc. So what to do with that. . .
I have been trying, and doing so sucessfully, to remember what I can do. I CAN write! I CAN do some art projects, I CAN read, I CAN take short walks on an on and on. I am trying to imagine this time as more of a forced monastacism of sorts rather than a litany of things I cannot do.
So thus begins the next month of various collaborative work projects (collaborative with my super awesome spouse) and self guided monastic projects. Oh, and the picture at the top is a pregnant monk seal. That's what comes up in google image search when you type in pregnant monk.