Laboring as a partner...
This is Sean...
So going into labor I wasn't sure what it would be like--how it would be supporting Rachel and experiencing one of the few things in our relationship we can't share together--she's in labor, I'm not, and it felt like a distance of some sort in there. That distinctness wasn't gone during labor--but it brought a sense of intimacy in focusing my energy on supporting her that was challenging, overwhelming at times and beautiful, even when things turned out in ways that we did not hope them to. We are grieving losses connected to how this birth turned out--for me, especially how it went from planning three people attending the birth at home, to many,many at an impersonal c-section--and the way in which the doctors at the hospital really didn't make themselves vulnerable in the face of our vulnerability. Going from feeling so connected at home and passionate about having her tonight, to being in the hospital with all the new physicians and Rachel sedated in surgery was scary and still feels sad to me.
Part of my work as a chaplain this year has been learning about myself, and how I engage (or don't engage) emotions--so that I can be more free to encounter and support the real depth and even rawness of others--and I learned about my own temptation to tie up my hard emotions with a bow, to move away from them somehow by saying "it's ok" or "its not that bad" or rounding out the positive, which seems to weaken people hearing my grief and also limits hearing my joy, too. So here I want to bring parts of the labor experience that definitely didn't feel ok--especially that loss of intimacy and personalness, and interventions we wouldn't choose--and other parts that were way better, way richer than ok--such as the connectedness between me and Rachel and our midwife and doula, the amount of unbelievable support we felt from our families who gathered to support us, even waiting in town all week as Rachel was in labor.
Probably most of all Rachel and I found ourselves really, really wanting Junia to come, as the labor challenged us and focused our energy, and even in the hospital--just building our desire to meet her and have her come be with us, and that has offered a freedom and more joy in these early days with Junia and Rachel that I expected given how difficult labor was.
So going into labor I wasn't sure what it would be like--how it would be supporting Rachel and experiencing one of the few things in our relationship we can't share together--she's in labor, I'm not, and it felt like a distance of some sort in there. That distinctness wasn't gone during labor--but it brought a sense of intimacy in focusing my energy on supporting her that was challenging, overwhelming at times and beautiful, even when things turned out in ways that we did not hope them to. We are grieving losses connected to how this birth turned out--for me, especially how it went from planning three people attending the birth at home, to many,many at an impersonal c-section--and the way in which the doctors at the hospital really didn't make themselves vulnerable in the face of our vulnerability. Going from feeling so connected at home and passionate about having her tonight, to being in the hospital with all the new physicians and Rachel sedated in surgery was scary and still feels sad to me.
Part of my work as a chaplain this year has been learning about myself, and how I engage (or don't engage) emotions--so that I can be more free to encounter and support the real depth and even rawness of others--and I learned about my own temptation to tie up my hard emotions with a bow, to move away from them somehow by saying "it's ok" or "its not that bad" or rounding out the positive, which seems to weaken people hearing my grief and also limits hearing my joy, too. So here I want to bring parts of the labor experience that definitely didn't feel ok--especially that loss of intimacy and personalness, and interventions we wouldn't choose--and other parts that were way better, way richer than ok--such as the connectedness between me and Rachel and our midwife and doula, the amount of unbelievable support we felt from our families who gathered to support us, even waiting in town all week as Rachel was in labor.
Probably most of all Rachel and I found ourselves really, really wanting Junia to come, as the labor challenged us and focused our energy, and even in the hospital--just building our desire to meet her and have her come be with us, and that has offered a freedom and more joy in these early days with Junia and Rachel that I expected given how difficult labor was.
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