Lenten Sin: self loathing and anger

In a theological world where the language spirituality has been written, discussed, and eventually dissected by celibate men Sean and I often find our selves wanting the language of spirituality that is grounded in domesticity, family, and yes children. Perhaps in some small way this will be our contribution to the theological realm.

Nonetheless, today we were discussing sinfulness (don't most couples ;). We were the example we were using was from a book by a celibate (albeit) wise theologian who was writing about the perspective of another celibate (albeit) wise founder of a religious order. Frankly, the example didn't fit our lives. And then I saw the example clearly in my own life. I saw the kind of sin-in my own life.

So here in middle of Lent, on this forum, which is today's public confessional. I confess to the sin of self-loathing. Sleep has been a struggle in our family for the past 7 months or so. About once a week or so I get very very angry in the middle of the night. So angry that I can imagine myself hurting Junia. I pound my fist on the bed and rage. I am overhwhelmed by the fury of being controlled by someone else; I rage and the desire to sleep; a seethe at the person next to me who isn't being asked to breastfeed.

And then, when the tsunami of rage subsides, I start hating myself. I convince myself that I am too dangerous to be with my daughter (what if I do hurt her?). I tell the story that I am a terrible person. I fantasize about peaced out- zen, hippy moms, who wear long flowy skirts, raise free spirited children, and who always smile. I cry. I self loathe.

My anger, my rage, my struggle to let go of control is not innately sinful . But, my extreme response against myself is sinful.

Why?

The expectation to not get angry, to fantasize about being someone else is unrealistic and not who I am created to be. Anger is a real emotion. Anger is an emotion I am entitled to experience in my human range. It is ok.

I am trying to hard to control my world. That's what made me so angry in the first place. Wanting to be a God who can just puppet the people around me to to what I like.

I am a model for my child. If I am hating on myself in front of her she is going to learn to to the same with me an herself. That just seems so wrong.

So there it is folks. Some thoughts on sin- even though I think this posting got less articulate as we went on it's on the right track.