Notes from a growing family...Mama thoughts...
We had a screaming jig in the car from Miriam today: 45 minutes give or take. It sucked. The only one who wasn't escalated was Junia who slept through the whole thing. This could be related to the general tone of this email.
- It was before this 45 crying jig that I started thinking about how much I love Miriam and how much I do not like this stage of development.
- Newborns are the worst communicators, they have no routine, they are total energy suckers!
- Maybe it's just that I spent 2.5 years establishing a new normal with another child that going back to being a food source, being confused by my child's cues and being totally drained of personal time is hard again.
- Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stay at home parent. Thus should I be glad I don't have to do this forever or sad that I seem unable to?
- I am scared every time I am left alone with both Miriam and Junia. I spend a lot of energy hoping the shit doesn't hit the fan with me or either of them and when it does I don't fare very well.
- Do other parents feel scared of their kids like this? At times utterly disabled by the fear of them? Or fear of yourself around them?
- I feel like a totally crappy parent to my toddler these days. At least she still thinks I'm the shit.
- I miss the news. Is there anything going on in the world? At least we get TIME magazine. That I read. So if it happened a week ago I can get some analysis. I do feel like my brain is slowly melting. If only they had news breaks between shows on PBS.
- I should turn on NPR more often. Then I should light a cigarette and have a cup of coffee. That sounds so very Betty Draper!
- Very few things in life prepare me to parent these little people. Perhaps the best tools I carry with me as a parenthood are emotional reflectiveness, personal awareness, and having choosen a great partner. Those things are handy during this babyhood time- but they don't go as far at this stage then at future stages.
- S goes back to work tomorrow after 4 days off. I could melt into tears at the thought of this. -Again with the fear.
- I think the baby blues are coming to me these days. A tad late, but I'm feeling emotional all over the place...
Random thoughts on your post -- is it OK if they are random thoughts and not very cohesive?
ReplyDeleteI am scared of Foster at bedtime. Some nights I am almost nauseous because of how difficult it can be and how much I dread it. And then sometimes it is a peaceful cuddle time for us. I also fear our Tuesdays together a bit. I get so bored with him by mid-afternoon. I just can't do toddler things all day and I really look forward to his naptime so that I can just have me time without having to figure out how to entertain him too.
And we are at the point in his life when he only really wants to hang out with Daddy. And he only wants Daddy to do things. I think that this weekend I was told at least 10 times "no mommy, daddy do it". At one point I was so angry that I said "you know, I carried you in my body for 9 months and then pushed you out of my body I think that I am capable of putting on your damn sweater" Yep, I pulled out the pregnancy guilt card before he was even 2.
Yet I remember the days of no routine and feeling like I was being a horrible mom to my older child while I only focused on the younger child and there are still so many days like that.
I guess my thoughts on this aren't to make you feel like I have anything to say that is helpful, but just to say that you aren't alone. You are a mom. You will feel guilt, you will feel anger, you will feel sadness, you will feel frustration. But you will also feel love, powerful love. You will feel joy, you will feel pride. You will feel alone some days, but know that you are not the only one feeling these things.
One more thing - thanks for your honesty on your blog.
Love ya!