Notes from a growing family...Mama thoughts...
We had a screaming jig in the car from Miriam today: 45 minutes give or take. It sucked. The only one who wasn't escalated was Junia who slept through the whole thing. This could be related to the general tone of this email.
- It was before this 45 crying jig that I started thinking about how much I love Miriam and how much I do not like this stage of development.
- Newborns are the worst communicators, they have no routine, they are total energy suckers!
- Maybe it's just that I spent 2.5 years establishing a new normal with another child that going back to being a food source, being confused by my child's cues and being totally drained of personal time is hard again.
- Maybe I'm not cut out to be a stay at home parent. Thus should I be glad I don't have to do this forever or sad that I seem unable to?
- I am scared every time I am left alone with both Miriam and Junia. I spend a lot of energy hoping the shit doesn't hit the fan with me or either of them and when it does I don't fare very well.
- Do other parents feel scared of their kids like this? At times utterly disabled by the fear of them? Or fear of yourself around them?
- I feel like a totally crappy parent to my toddler these days. At least she still thinks I'm the shit.
- I miss the news. Is there anything going on in the world? At least we get TIME magazine. That I read. So if it happened a week ago I can get some analysis. I do feel like my brain is slowly melting. If only they had news breaks between shows on PBS.
- I should turn on NPR more often. Then I should light a cigarette and have a cup of coffee. That sounds so very Betty Draper!
- Very few things in life prepare me to parent these little people. Perhaps the best tools I carry with me as a parenthood are emotional reflectiveness, personal awareness, and having choosen a great partner. Those things are handy during this babyhood time- but they don't go as far at this stage then at future stages.
- S goes back to work tomorrow after 4 days off. I could melt into tears at the thought of this. -Again with the fear.
- I think the baby blues are coming to me these days. A tad late, but I'm feeling emotional all over the place...