Going into my anxiety.

Sean, my wise partner, often says when you have an emotion you must go into it to make it less powerful not ignore it.  In general I have found this to be true.  Today, I am finding it especially true.

I don't think of myself as an anxious person really.  But I am anxious about a lot of things, it's just that a lot of other emotions often hide my anxiety, and maybe I am somewhat less anxious than others, but even if that is true, it doesn't matter.

Last night I participated in a conversation with several other women about anxiety.  So I just had some time to sit and think about anxiety: what makes me anxious? What does my anxiety look like? How do I cope with it.    People shared and I enjoyed the conversation (despite hating myself for all the stupid things I said)


So I was thinking about how many of the things I am anxious about: getting work done, sending emails, accomplishing this work related task, mailing a package, remember to pick up TP at the grocery store , responding to that phone call etc. are all things that can make me anxious...

Except that it is not these task that do it for me, it is the fear of being caught being dumb, incompetent, forgetful, or just weak in any way.  Most of the ordinary things that make me anxious are because I don't want to be perceived as any of the things on that list.

So that's not the most insightful thing ever, except it made me start thinking deeper and looking deeper at my anxiety.  For example, on of my biggest places of anxiety is making strangers mad at me.  So this means that I am friendly to a fault with people I don't know.  I am worried about making the ferry workers mad if I don't understand their signals, I am worried getting in the way of someone at the grocery store, I am worried about opening my car door and even slightly bumping someones door and so one. These are the things I obsess over. ...but the bigger source of the anxiety is knowing that as a fat person a lot of people hate me for simply existing. Many people think that I don't deserve respect because I am fat, and they will treat me like that until I prove them otherwise.  So I live in fear of being lashed out on.  There are also some other fears that play into anger and fear of stranger anger that I don't want to share here...

So what is my point, my point is simply this, for me I am realizing that my anxieties are a result of a deeper inadequacy, and a deeper fear other than fear of making the ferry worker mad, or fear of not getting things done. . . and those deeper fears...I actually think those are the ones I can start to heal.