Utter Openness

Sean sits on a dining room chair. I sit on his lap, his legs apart, facing him. Breathing loudly in and out. Trying to focus on the yellow ring in his eyes.

I kneel on a floor pillow leaning on a yoga ball arching my back against the back pain. Sean slowly, rythmically rubbing my lower back. Breathing, breathing, breathing. Holding my mouth open wide.

I stand with my arms around Sean's neck. He keeps his arms around my waist. I arch my back against him and come back and listen to his charge, "look at my eyes, look at my moles, look at my lips, look at my ears." All while slowly squatting bringing our baby down and easing the pain of the contraction.

I snooze in bed. A night of NO sleep has me exhausted. I awaken in the MIDDLE of the contraction. I am being bowled over my uterine pain in my back. Get up, get up I tell myself but my stomach muscles are too weakened. I sit up, lift my bottom off of the bed. Breathe through it, breathe through it. Phew it ends.

I am not afraid. The pain is mostly managable and the intimacy with Sean is beautiful. The baby is in the perfect position, she is facing the right direction, she is moving enough to believe she is doing great, my spirit waxes and wanes but is mostly just trying to be utterly open to the experience that is. After 4 days of laboring I am ready to welcome our little person not out of impatience but out of finally meeting this person who has been a pilgrim on this journey with Sean and I. Perhaps tomorrow, Friday will be her birthday, or perhaps Saturday. She is coming. And we continue to be open to this experience as is- and this child as she will choose to be.