Transition back to the life...more thoughts on anger and rage.
It's been a bit of a rough transition from 8 days away from children (and spouse) and back to it all! I had a great vacation with my Mom and my sister! We saw beautiful things, rested, drank, danced, laughed a lot, drove each other a bit crazy at moments, told stories, honored our differences and all in all it was remarkable.
But now I'm back and on top of it our childcare is a bit chaotic this week as our beloved childcare provider is on a much entitled (and hopefully not desperately needed) vacation! So I'm at home, kind of. I'm staying relatively on top of email from work and working on some projects for that. And then there is the other huge part of my summer (and life) these blessed wonderful children.
8 days of being single and going back to being married with kids is hard. While I was away I missed my people, I missed that sense of belonging. I missed the touch, and the richness. I did not miss restless nights, or meltdowns, I did not miss the constant influx of wills imposed on me in an irrational manner (that last prepositional phrase is key), I did not miss the work of attending to others needs while sorting through my own emotions.
So with all this, I had a significant meltdown on monday (day 2 of being back). A cry like a slob, "I am a terrible parent," eyes all puffy for the next 24 hours, "why do I get so angry at everything I hate this about myself," headache from the tears, "I just want to be a peaceful person but I'm not and I am ruining everyone because of it," kind of meltdown.
It was bad.
Sean was with me in it. I was of course trying to push him away, (and then realizing I was trying to move back). He said somethings that didn't resonate. He said some that did. So here is what I am working on. He believes, and so do I (I think) that you have to work with your emotions and not push them away. So even though my default with any of life's chaotic bits is anger I cannot deny it, but have to figure out how to work with it.
"I don't want to work with it." I chortled, "but I have to don't I?"
"Yup."
So how? Things are not going to roll off my back. Ever. I'm not that person. When I lean into the counter for the 6th time and my 6th shirt gets wet, it's going to piss me off. When I just swept the entire house and cannot find a dustpan I'm going to get angry. When Miriam runs from me with a diaper half on/half of I'm going to be irritated.
So I have to let that be okay. That irritation, rage, anger are okay emotions to have. And that accepting that is an okay response is half the challenge. Then working with it. That's the other half, that my friends is for another post. I'm working in that.
The other wise thing that came to both of us was the idea that we all have some sort of response to the world we don't like. Maybe we only see through rose colored glasses, or we are power grabbing, or we are anxious or whatever. Each of us has to learn how to let our instinctual emotional response be some kind of guide for us. My anger is a guide somehow. So even though Sean struggles with anxiety and really doesn't love that instinctive part of himself it doesn't really both me very much. He gently reminded me that sometimes he thinks, "really why is she so mad about this...oh well." I think the same thing about his anxiety, and that doesn't have to be a deal. Just because I dislike my rage so much doesn't mean that he does too.
Finally, he asked me the question, "who is God in this?"
I hate questions like that. Yes that question made me mad. Because that's MY question.
But the God I conjured up is the God of the covenant. She is a loyal faithful God who gets very very angry with the people she loves and the world she loves. But she is fiercely loyal. Coming back again and again every time she is hurt, enraged, or whatever. Now that is a God I can relate to! And, that is the God of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (and Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob).
But now I'm back and on top of it our childcare is a bit chaotic this week as our beloved childcare provider is on a much entitled (and hopefully not desperately needed) vacation! So I'm at home, kind of. I'm staying relatively on top of email from work and working on some projects for that. And then there is the other huge part of my summer (and life) these blessed wonderful children.
8 days of being single and going back to being married with kids is hard. While I was away I missed my people, I missed that sense of belonging. I missed the touch, and the richness. I did not miss restless nights, or meltdowns, I did not miss the constant influx of wills imposed on me in an irrational manner (that last prepositional phrase is key), I did not miss the work of attending to others needs while sorting through my own emotions.
It was bad.
Sean was with me in it. I was of course trying to push him away, (and then realizing I was trying to move back). He said somethings that didn't resonate. He said some that did. So here is what I am working on. He believes, and so do I (I think) that you have to work with your emotions and not push them away. So even though my default with any of life's chaotic bits is anger I cannot deny it, but have to figure out how to work with it.
"I don't want to work with it." I chortled, "but I have to don't I?"
"Yup."
So I have to let that be okay. That irritation, rage, anger are okay emotions to have. And that accepting that is an okay response is half the challenge. Then working with it. That's the other half, that my friends is for another post. I'm working in that.
The other wise thing that came to both of us was the idea that we all have some sort of response to the world we don't like. Maybe we only see through rose colored glasses, or we are power grabbing, or we are anxious or whatever. Each of us has to learn how to let our instinctual emotional response be some kind of guide for us. My anger is a guide somehow. So even though Sean struggles with anxiety and really doesn't love that instinctive part of himself it doesn't really both me very much. He gently reminded me that sometimes he thinks, "really why is she so mad about this...oh well." I think the same thing about his anxiety, and that doesn't have to be a deal. Just because I dislike my rage so much doesn't mean that he does too.
Finally, he asked me the question, "who is God in this?"
I hate questions like that. Yes that question made me mad. Because that's MY question.
But the God I conjured up is the God of the covenant. She is a loyal faithful God who gets very very angry with the people she loves and the world she loves. But she is fiercely loyal. Coming back again and again every time she is hurt, enraged, or whatever. Now that is a God I can relate to! And, that is the God of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (and Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob).
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