THe pressure of page 1
I am a pretty regular journaler- more so when I am a pretty regular crier and when there is shit going down in my life. Amid all the transitions this year I have not been journaling. In part, I have been processing verbally with Sean- but I also could not find the right journal.
As regular journalers know you bond with a journal. You know it and know yourself in its pages. The best journal I ever got was the one that Leah Gapinski gave me for college graduation. I filled it the year my Dad died. I have an emotional relationship with that journal. The fact of the matter is though, that I COULD have an emotional relationship with it because it felt right. . . I mean, the paper was right, the size was perfect, the pages absorbed ink well, it didn't have lines (a MUST for me) and the cover was beautiful.
So with the upheavals of my emotional life these days- job, impending parenthood, processing the location change and general emotionality, I had to get a new journal. The one I was working with was a 70 page Mead College Bound Notebook that I started when we were still in Worcester. I wasn't connected into it. I wasn't caring for it or about it or even connecting to the Rachel that started page 1.
So today, Sean and I made a special trip to a great Seattle bookstore. After narrowing the selection down to 5 I discussed it with Sean and choose her. A companion on the journey that will be this year. For me it's like picking out a pet or a friend somehow.
I am left now with the challenge of what to write on the first page (the first page can make or break a journal!!!). In fact, even the right kind of pen can make or break a relationship with a journal. I found the pen, and climbing into bed only moments ago I realized that I found my first words for this journal. They would come from my person companion for my life. I will fill the pages with MY words. But they will start with Sean's words. For those are the words of my center the words of my companioned future and someday when I look back on this life they too will be the words of my companioned past.
As regular journalers know you bond with a journal. You know it and know yourself in its pages. The best journal I ever got was the one that Leah Gapinski gave me for college graduation. I filled it the year my Dad died. I have an emotional relationship with that journal. The fact of the matter is though, that I COULD have an emotional relationship with it because it felt right. . . I mean, the paper was right, the size was perfect, the pages absorbed ink well, it didn't have lines (a MUST for me) and the cover was beautiful.
So with the upheavals of my emotional life these days- job, impending parenthood, processing the location change and general emotionality, I had to get a new journal. The one I was working with was a 70 page Mead College Bound Notebook that I started when we were still in Worcester. I wasn't connected into it. I wasn't caring for it or about it or even connecting to the Rachel that started page 1.
So today, Sean and I made a special trip to a great Seattle bookstore. After narrowing the selection down to 5 I discussed it with Sean and choose her. A companion on the journey that will be this year. For me it's like picking out a pet or a friend somehow.
I am left now with the challenge of what to write on the first page (the first page can make or break a journal!!!). In fact, even the right kind of pen can make or break a relationship with a journal. I found the pen, and climbing into bed only moments ago I realized that I found my first words for this journal. They would come from my person companion for my life. I will fill the pages with MY words. But they will start with Sean's words. For those are the words of my center the words of my companioned future and someday when I look back on this life they too will be the words of my companioned past.
Oh, finally someone else understands this! I have had this problem countless times, particularly since my soph. year of college. No journal has been the same since that one (and I have started and stoppoed many!).
ReplyDeleteRachel,
I have to say I love your blog. I love reading your thoughts and insights every few days. I have been hesitating to say this, because I know you have been struggling, but congratulations on the baby. You and Sean are going to be incredible parents because you both are so in tune to yourselves and others, so thoughtful, open-minded, creative and loving. Your little "Faith" is a very lucky person.
My love, prayers, and best wishes to all (three) of you,
Megan J.