To live for passion. . .
I was only at work today for 4 hours, as planned, and I had a meltdown for an hour of it.
I am wrestling, these days, with vocation, identity, discernment etc. What is it that I exactly get excited and passionate about and why is it that work is feeling so utterly un-exciting and, in fact, passionless. Am I experiencing the first year at a job blues? Or am I doing work that is not good for me and ulimately not good for my place of employment?
And why is it that the last place I was at I felt like this too. . . is this a habitual problem for me or are these jobs too similar in institutional ways?
What I have been getting energy from lately is creating things like mobiles, and painting the dresser, and making things. From onsies to a garden my creativity is exploding but not at work. But, I am no trained artist. I love pottery but I don't exactly know what I am doing, I like the results that happen when I sew but I have only ever had one lesson on a sewing machine and that was in high school. I love to write- not just this blog but poetry. . .but I have NEVER taken a poetry or a creative writing class. BUT, I don't think that people are determined by their education- but I certainly think they are aided by one. . .
When I was a kid, "Dennis the Menace" the movie came out. I don't remember the plot except that at one point Mrs. Mitchell (was that her name?) reads Dennis a poem called Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Later, when I was in high school I found a box of discarded books and in one of those books I found this poem.
I took it home and read it to myself every night. I slowly memorized it. One of the lines from this poem is, "Where are you going and what do you wish, the old moon asked the three." In adulthood this has been the line that has stayed with me. I come back to it again and again like prayer.
I do not know where I am going. But what I wish for in a career is not where I am going. There is the grief.
I am wrestling, these days, with vocation, identity, discernment etc. What is it that I exactly get excited and passionate about and why is it that work is feeling so utterly un-exciting and, in fact, passionless. Am I experiencing the first year at a job blues? Or am I doing work that is not good for me and ulimately not good for my place of employment?
And why is it that the last place I was at I felt like this too. . . is this a habitual problem for me or are these jobs too similar in institutional ways?
What I have been getting energy from lately is creating things like mobiles, and painting the dresser, and making things. From onsies to a garden my creativity is exploding but not at work. But, I am no trained artist. I love pottery but I don't exactly know what I am doing, I like the results that happen when I sew but I have only ever had one lesson on a sewing machine and that was in high school. I love to write- not just this blog but poetry. . .but I have NEVER taken a poetry or a creative writing class. BUT, I don't think that people are determined by their education- but I certainly think they are aided by one. . .
When I was a kid, "Dennis the Menace" the movie came out. I don't remember the plot except that at one point Mrs. Mitchell (was that her name?) reads Dennis a poem called Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Later, when I was in high school I found a box of discarded books and in one of those books I found this poem.
I took it home and read it to myself every night. I slowly memorized it. One of the lines from this poem is, "Where are you going and what do you wish, the old moon asked the three." In adulthood this has been the line that has stayed with me. I come back to it again and again like prayer.
I do not know where I am going. But what I wish for in a career is not where I am going. There is the grief.
Enjoyed your thoughts on the topic. I think you hit it on the head when you identified the institution. My hunch is that you like what you do but in the context of the organization or in this case the institution there are struggles because it is not supportive? And rightly you feel disillusioned. I remember how you thrived as "spiritual director" of sorts on Koinonia and you enjoyed teaching the kids in Beardstown. You are good at what you do.
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