What to do when I am wrong?
What's the opposite of a pushover. A pusher? I am scared of being a pusher and my beloved being a pushover. So lately I have been encouraging him to fight me back a little bit. So little by little he's been pushing back when I get angry or righteous. Some days this has been good. But…
S and I had a fight this morning. Our fights are rather lucid and full of words not so violent raging or even irrational. We don't bring up past pains. The reality is that one of my struggles is pride. I don't like anyone to tell me what to do. I don't even like people to give me advice. I pretty much want things to come from me for them to be considered legitimate. So in an environment where S now speaks up for himself and can legitimately call me out on some of my own struggles I'm being challenged to drop some of my pride and let his voice in.
But, what then do I do, when S is asking me to think about something that is a weakness of mine. Or what do I do when S brings up a hot button topic and says something challenging about it. Typically I get angry and then I defend how legitimate my anger is and then we talk about it for awhile and then it ends. Sometimes we come back to it with a final resolution.
I've been thinking a lot about marriage as a vocation, and the belief that God is wrapped up in marriage. If I believe that God speaks to me through S, and believe that S wants the best for me then it is part of the invitation of my life to listen deeply, openly, without pride and with honest humility when he challenges me to my best self. When he challenges me to let him in.