Bringing a baby to work coming to an end.

My baby is waking up to the world.
Her eyes and hands take in everything around her.
Even her mouth is embracing life's flavor.

After bringing her to work since the end of October is is very clear that she and I cannot spend our days like this anymore.

I simply cannot offer her the attention she demands and get the work that is demanded of me by my employer accomplished. We have had 3 nearly unbearable days at work. Each of these days have involved tears on both parts, logistical challenges, and tremendous flexibility and generosity from colleagues and even students.

So Sean and I are once again trying to figure out our desires within this. Trying to sort out work schedules, childcare schedules, community and family resources etc. But I am grieving.

I am frustrated that other people will spend more time with my child than me.
I am aching from the economic necessity of full time employment.
I am guarded to share the relief I find being away from her.
I am ambivalent about my job, that I am just now finding my stride in.
I am sad that this is all so hard.

So as of right now parenthood feels more overwhelming, exhausting and challenging than anything. But since she is currently taking a nap on me the chances that she wakes up happy and reminds me that I actually love her are pretty high.