A dark start to 2010

Does my last post seem a little dark? Or a little bit of a downer?

The truth is I am in a pretty down place. I am reaching the apex of exhaustion and functionality. And it is affecting a lot of my energy around Junia. The truth is I've got to get more sleep or become a hell of a lot more dysfunctional. Something has got to give. I don't want to go into the details. I keep starting posts that lament our sleeping issues as a family. But, I fear all the advice that would be thrown our way. I am not a good advice receiver. If I want advice I ask for it.

Anyway, I am feeling down, tired, cold, and a bit vitamin D deficient and pretty tired of parenthood frankly. I am into Junia personally. I love her blossoming personality, I love her giggle, I appreciate that she is now starting to form some opinoins. But, as an abstraction, I want have time to play a game, sleep more than 2.5 hours in a row, eat a meal without distraction, fear, or while serving a meal at the same time. I am so tired that I get frustrated more and more easily with her. This frustration scares me and creates an avalanche of anxiety. I get scared to be left alone with her- scared that I'll get too mad, scared that I'll have to live in those feelings ALL DAY. I cried out of this anxiety, on Tuesday night knowing that Sean had to go to work on Wednesday and I had to be alone with her.

When I tell people its hard they say, "just about when you think you can't do it anymore they change." Well then, I am expecting some big changes.


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